An Open Table

November 12, 2020

When I was in college, I had an amazing history professor who taught me to think: not what to think, but how to think.

Alan had the conviction that kids—college students and even preteens and younger—were regular people whose ideas were worthy of respect. He didn't say that so much as live that, both inside and outside the classroom. We saw it in how he treated his own kids, who were about 11 and 13 at the time: He would invite groups of us over for Sunday brunch, and Brian and Samantha always hung out with us and took part in the discussions. Alan was passionate about helping young people grow into secure, thoughtful, confident individuals: people who understand themselves and their own motivations for what they do and think. Here was Alan's simple, signature question, asked of anyone chatting around his table or his classroom:

Why do you think that?

Alan never asked this question in an aggressive or challenging way, but in an interested way. He cared deeply about ideas, he cared deeply about getting things right if he could, and he wanted insight from all sides of the table. I watched him listen, hard, to his kids, and to his students. We felt heard. And because it was a safe environment where we could explore topics without censure, we learned two things that would change the way we approached adulthood and the world:

As I grew to know Alan better over the years, I came to recognize when he disagreed with what was being said around his table. But he was wise enough to know that the best strategy there was to ask questions and listen to the answers, and always to keep an open mind. He was not just a great professor, but a fabulous role model for future parents. It takes a certain amount of finesse to be able to ask Why do you think that? and have those be connecting words rather than fighting words. But Alan showed me that it's the most satisfying path to insight and influence.

Around your table this holiday season, the kids will be watching (and, possibly, some college students will, too). Make it an open table.

—Deb